What am I doing?

Yes I’m a taurean, but I’m also a horse (Chinese horoscope as 1954 was the year of the horse). I wish I could say I’m a typical Taurean horse but what exactly is that? I do have the traits of both but then they do overlap somewhat. At the moment I feel out of it, my pain was so bad I’ve taken double the recommended daily dosage in the last 8 hours and may start to fade in out. In the words of Oscar Wilde, I can resist everything except temptation. Feeling down for four reasons but I won’t go into this here (it won’t help me and might depress anyone reading this blog).

The proverbial bull in a china shop, which is how I’ve been feeling for the last week, rain has been persistently coming down and we no longer need the water so why doesn’t it just stop for a month or two or rain at night when people are in bed. Seems that whoever said the people with the highest IQ’s stay up later and get less sleep must have been reading my mind, which has started wandering again. I’m just going to go with it as it might make sense when I read this post back. Anyway, I tend to go to bed between 4 and 5:30 a.m. and get up again round about 8:30 most days, others I’ll be awake but just lie in bed reading tweets on my iPhone. All depends on how I’m feeling. The illness I have used to be called manic depression which was me to a T. I was either the life of the party or else everyone avoided me so they didn’t feel like killing me, and I do mean everyone. I now have more bad days than good, when it rains my back and legs seize up making exercise extremely painful and almost impossible. I therefore start feeling “blue” but I mean suicidal blue, not just slightly peeved blue. At least when the sun shines I can move fairly freely and when the mood takes me I will go out for a walk to get some fresh air and exercise.

I can hardly walk when it’s cold and damp or even when it’s warm and damp, on these occasions I have fallen down the stairs, fallen when getting out of bed or getting out of a chair. I feel useless and a drain on the NHS so if taking an overdose of opium kills me then so be it. My mind is racing around and I can’t really keep up any more, since no-one is reading these and probably never will then no-one will know how I’m feeling or what I’m going through. I really do wish I could just end it all, death however only visits me, he never stays and so far hasn’t called me to follow him. I first met him when I was a toddler and contracted meningitis, Since then there have been another seven or eight occasions when he has visited me but doesn’t even stay for a cuppa.

If anyone has any idea how to cure what I’ve got then please get in touch by sending an undressed elephant to this account. Time to go my friend, I need to get a drink and have some more tablets before the pain deprives me of the chance to do more than crawl inside my head, it is a very dark place just now and the less time I spend there the better I like it…..

Electric Proms – Sir Paul McCartney

I’m currently listening to the electric proms which was recorded a few months back on BBC4 and it got me thinking (again) about music and my passion for it. I remember when I was staying with my Aunt, Uncle and cousin in the late 1950’s (prior to February 1959 as Buddy Holly was still alive), my cousin had bought two new singles – the latest from Buddy Holly and also the latest from the Crickets. I listened to these and thoroughly lost myself in the music, I was very young (I was born in 1954 so was under 5) so the music didn’t give me any sexual feelings then, it does now which is the same for everyone who is passionate about it.

Anyway to go back to my original thought when I started this blog, Macca did a lot of old songs from his time with a little known four piece called the Beatles, don’t know if anyone remembers them? I was invited to see the Beatles live at Kirkcaldy Ice Rink in 1963/4 by my cousin (the same one, her name is Ann) but my mam said I couldn’t go. Nowadays I enjoy live music but can’t afford to go to many concerts. The last concert I was at was P!nk on the Funhouse tour in Newcastle Metro Radio Arena, it was brilliant but it would have been better if I hadn’t been in so much pain that day. I have seen Paul McCartney on the Red Rose tour and the Band on the Run tour with Wings. I have been to loads of concerts and festivals over the years since leaving home and played drums with an unsuccessful punk band in the mid-1970’s.

I wonder if anyone is reading this or if I’m doing my usual rambling for my own benefit (I must really bore people as no-one ever calls round to see me, they text or ring me or (more usually) I contact them first). It would be interesting to find out what gigs others have been to and which group or artist they thought was more stimulating. Of course if no-one reads this then it’s going to be a very short list. I think the best concert I went to was at the Valley in London to see the Who (all four original members), on the bill for that concert were several of my heroes, Lou Reed, Bad Company, Montrose and some other groups which I enjoyed before the Who finally came on stage. The day was absolutely fantastic and the music and atmosphere (fueled by several people around me sharing the odd joints during the day) was just brilliant. I have been to see other acts that I have enjoyed but not so many of my heroes on the one bill which is why I’ve chosen that one. I saw Michael McDonald when he supported Tina Turner at Woburn Abbey which comes a very close second, the hottest place at Woburn Abbey that night was on the stage when Tina came on she was fantastic live.

I have also seen the Rolling Stones live, David Bowie (twice), Status Quo (twice), Iron Maiden (three times), AC/DC, Guns ‘n’ Roses, Grateful Dead, Queen (three times), Mott The Hoople, Sensational Alex Harvey Band with Slade (twice each band headlined one tour), Brinsley Schwartz, Sex Pistols, Clash, Damned and Ian Dury (first time with Kilburn and the High Roads, second with the Blockheads). I would’ve liked to see lots of others but they either toured when I couldn’t afford tickets or couldn’t get the time off work. No pics with this one as the only theme running through this is music but it is varied music.

I just heard th…

I just heard that a colleague of mine, who I thought had beaten cancer, died this afternoon two months after it came back. This started me thinking about life and what we are all here for. I don’t believe for a minute that we are on here as a punishment by some powerful all seeing being nor are we here to suffer and be miserable. While I don’t believe in a God per se, I do believe there is some guiding force in the multiverse (thanks to Terry Pratchett for that word) who put us here and looks in from time to time to see how we are doing. Nature is as powerful a force as anything I have ever seen, from earthquakes to tornadoes and hurricanes. Nature, however, is not as destructive to human life as we are.

It only takes a good man to do nothing for evil to flourish, I don’t know who said that but whoever he was certainly knew what he was talking about. In the last 7 millenia more people have been killed in wars than Nature has ever managed to kill. Most of these wars were so called religious wars and if there is a God is he not a peace giver? Surely he would not want to see anyone kill or be killed in his name and I don’t care what name you decide to give him Jesus Christ, Mohammed, Islam all the good books come from the same source and have the same message, LOVE.

I could quote John Lennon but instead I will quote his song lyrics: There’s nothing you can do that can’t be done, nothing you can see that isn’t shown all you need is love. If we can accomplish so much in the name of war, smart bombs that kill thousands or machines that will protect the soldiers inside by becoming invisible, how much more could be achieved if we all pulled together to fight disease, poverty and ignorance?

I don’t mean to get on a soapbox but I seem to do it anyway, maybe that is what I’m supposed to do anyway, who knows as I certainly don’t. I ask more questions than I answer but maybe someone else will find the answers to these and others. Maybe in the future disease, poverty, war and famine will be things of the past and if we ever stop using money then people can get down to working for the common good rather than profit fueled through greed. I welcome criticism and any other comments on this post.

An introduction to my blog

The pic sums up how I wish I felt, no doubt some people feel the same way as me as depression seems to be spreading like wildfire. The financial situation doesn’t help any and with more companies going to the wall, sometimes with no warning, you have to wonder if our leaders know what they are doing!

I’m new to this and decided to take it up when I read a blog from an online “friend” who writes random fun stuff so I thought I’d try my hand at it as well. Some days I might not post as I quite often just want to curl up in a corner and die, my current situation isn’t helping either as I’m on benefit and the amount I’m getting is going down soon so instead of having £5 a week for food I’m gonna be borrowing money to pay the rent.

Is it really the 21st Century in a first world (relatively) rich country? The big problem is we are being flooded with immigrants, who come here to claim benefits not to work and the government is bending over backwards to get sucked in by them. They get houses, essentials and luxuries thrown at them that a lot of people in this country can’t afford, even when they have 2 jobs working 80 hours a week.

To top it all off I should be getting ESA, or sickness benefit, as I’m unable to work because of my many illnesses, and mainly the depression, but the government; through ATOS; have decided that mental illness is not a visible disorder and therefore does not count as a reason to receive sickness benefit and I find myself having to apply for jobs I cannot do (due to having panic attacks when having to leave my flat which feel like heart attacks) and if I get offered one I’ll have to take it and then how will I cope when I can’t physically get out of the flat? Will they keep the job open for me if I call in sick for months at a time? Don’t think so, but then I’ll have to wait for 6 months before I get any benefit again. Where is the sense in that?

Sorry about the preaching, I just get so annoyed thinking about the position us natives have been put in due to insufficient funds for all those claiming (or trying to claim benefit). Don’t get me wrong, the foreign workers who come over here and take low paid jobs or open their own businesses are very welcome here as they are contributing to the economy. I have an even bigger problem when people come here live off our benefit system and then criticize OUR country for not being Muslim, I’ve got nothing against anyone following their own path or religion but I do have a problem with them forcing it down my throat with terrorism (and then abusing our right to free speech, we should limit this to one each, and have the right to send anyone abusing our hospitality back where they came from whether that would put them in harms way or not. Do it with the first few and the rest will soon shut up.

This blog is not going to be political in content, this rant is me getting things off my chest so that when I do start the blog proper followers can appreciate where I’ve been, what I’ve seen and treat me accordingly.

Hello world!

I want to use this blog to write down my thoughts, some of these may be dark, I’ll try avoiding adding anything when I’m at my suicidal lowest. Sometimes I might make you laugh, I may even have you laughing so hard you cry. I’ll try to write more than post pictures but you never know where I’m taking you until we get there together.