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I say Hello, you say Goodbye

Sorry for my absence over the last couple of weeks dear reader, I don’t have any excuse but I have been busy behind the scenes reviewing my last Chapter and have decided to re-write it as part of the next Chapter (1968). That way what is there remains and the rest will be appended to 1968 to explain the downturn in my relationship with my dad and how he affected my relationship with my mum.

Okay, so what has everyone been doing while I’ve been looking for jobs, attending interviews, registering with Agencies and being turned down for more jobs than I have ever had rejections before in my life. Ah, the internet and email, it makes it so easy to reject someone without having to pay postage or return their resume (CV for those of us in Blighty).

Anyhoo, I’ve been thinking recently that if things worked out differently between the old man and I when I was in my teens then I may still have been living in Scotland, I moved away because my mum died and I had no reason to stay. I may well have remained with my 2nd wife since she was an old fashioned woman who felt that the man should be looked after and even though I helped out with the housework I was made to feel that it was not my place to do anything. We drifted apart because I moved down to England’s South East 16 months before I found somewhere we could both live and she moved down to join me, however, by the time she joined me I had been living it up as a single person and saw no reason to change when she came down. Of course that doesn’t work out very well when the person being cheated on finds out from her friends that she is being cheated on. I left rather than trying to work things out and, as with any divorce, once the lawyers come in then things get really messy and you don’t remain friends.

I can’t really complain too much about the way things turned out, apart from losing my daughter. That was all my fault although I don’t know why we haven’t patched things up yet. I hurt her in the past and we still managed to sit down and talk things through, but this time she doesn’t want to meet to try and patch things up between us and I can only blame myself. My son seems to be taking a leaf out of her book as well as he never gets in touch and never comes over to see me.

I must have done something really wicked to lose my family this way. This post isn’t about that, or it’s not supposed to be. I just wanted to update you, dear reader, on what I’ve been doing while I’ve been away. Still I’ve done that now so I’ll go back to my music and catch you again soon.

Summer, Buddy Holly, the working man’s folly good golly miss Molly

Reasons to be cheerful when all you want to do is crawl back into bed alone… Monday and what a start to the week, everything there is has been done, books have been written, blogs posted music played and songs sung.

Yes, it’s all been done and better than I could do it… Or is it?

I started to write the next chapter of my personal life history and then I thought I may have mentioned that I don’t get on with my dad without saying why, and 1967 was the year that our relationship became more strained. It was also the beginning of the end of my relationship with my dad, which I didn’t go into. Since this is supposed to be a wart’s and all tale of my fall into hell and fall out with my dad why didn’t I go into details of the beginning of this fall out? Why have I chosen to ignore the part he has played in my subsequent mental illness by telling what a good job he did on me starting in 1967?

Music was my only escape from him, and it brought me closer to my granddad and grandma (his parents) beginning in 1968. I couldn’t wait to escape his fury and anger which was always directed at me, my two younger brothers escaped his wrath and whatever they asked him for they got, I never did, if I wanted anything I had to save and buy it for myself which meant I appreciated it more.

In 1966 I asked him and mum for a Scalextric racing car set for my birthday but was told it was too expensive to buy so I stopped asking for things. In 1967 my youngest brother asked for a racing car set and my dad went out and bought him one the next Saturday. I didn’t mind as I often played with it racing Paul when I could get the old man off it.

I asked for a stereo record player and dad bought one for himself so I was given the radiogram he had bought when he married my mum in 1951. I bought my own stereo turntable, amp, speakers and headphones when I started work in 1971. In 1967 my dad would be building things in his shed at the bottom of the garden and if I ever asked if I could help he used to tell me that I was as much use as a wooden leg so no he didn’t need my help. Both of my brothers would go and help out with things he was making I was never allowed to.

When I started building jigsaws he would wait until I went to bed then finish it off for me and when I asked why he’d done that he would tell me that he had only helped because I was making a pigs ear of it. You know if you tell someone often enough, and with enough force, that they will never amount to anything worthwhile how is it never your fault that they never do amount to anything because they just give up?

I have only recently begun to appreciate that the reason why my daughter sees me as a failure is because I have never achieved anything in my life. Sure I attempt things but as soon as it looks as though I might be getting some where I sabotage myself and it’s all because of the programming carried out by my dad on my young self.

I once accused my dad of treating me differently to my brothers and he said that I was being stupid but when I started writing my life history, I soon realised that either I got him all wrong or else he did treat me as the “black sheep of the family” and I don’t think I read him wrong at all. I think I need to do a 1967 part 2 telling of my (failed) relationship with my dad (he’s still alive so it’s not like I’m speaking ill of the dead).

Comments on this post will decide whether or not I publish it on here or just keep it for my own benefit.

Everybody’s smoking but no-ones getting high

 

 

Following on from my thoughts to a friend post the other day, I thought I’d let you know, dear reader, that I have heard from my friend and he’s back in hospital once more (that’s why he hadn’t been in touch).

Anyhoo, update over and I’ll continue with this post now. Our nightmare neighbours moved out about 4 weeks ago and the week after someone else moved in who, interestingly enough, makes less noise but is annoying in other ways. The people who moved out had 3 dogs which never went for walks and the yard we share was never cleaned. They left do mess all over the yard when they left which has now been cleaned up. They smoked in the yard (almost exclusively) which meant that I never had to put up with the flat smelling like a smoker’s den. (Yes that was the inspiration behind this title) the new neighbour and his partner smoke and this flat always smells as though I’ve started smoking again (I haven’t).

They have a dog and don’t clean up after it straight away but there is less dog mess from one than there was with 3 and they do clean up at least once a day.

 

I thought I’d include the video of Nobody Told Me in this post from you tube.

This is me, but I’m still the one you know

Hello again, old friend and dear reader. I was just thinking of going to bed since I have a doctors appointment in the morning and then it hit me like a ton of lead – if I do I’ll only toss and turn until the alarm goes off or until I get up again as my head is churning with thoughts of pain and loneliness.

Don’t worry my dearest friend, I won’t do anything stupid (except stay up until I start falling asleep). I made a promise a long time ago that I would be here when you needed me and I intend to keep that since you are lost in a black hole and even though I’m reaching out to help you I’m being met with a wall of silence which tells me that you need me more now than at any other time since we’ve known each other.

I can’t tell you what it means to not hear you, or to see you. To wonder if you’re okay and settling into the sheltered accommodation or if you would like some company soon. All these thoughts go running around my head of the times we had together when you helped me to get over my marriage breaking up, and the pain she inflicted by her lies until she was caught out by telling them too often.

The way I repaid that by seeing you and helping you when you needed to cope with a crazy wife, yes mate we were there for each other through the dark times but when things started to turn bad for you again at the beginning of this year; you didn’t reach out to me. Why you wanted to do things yourself I don’t know, but I might have been able to help. I reached out to you so often then but you told me a few weeks ago you had been in the cuckoo’s nest again for 3 months and that’s why you hadn’t answered me. Trust me I only want what’s best for you and for you to find happiness, after all I know what you go through in the dark days, been there myself and I know what kind of hell it is.

I miss you mate because you are the only true friend I’ve ever known, one who gives of himself without asking for anything in return, and you found the same in me. I would die for you so you would never have to go through anything on your own so call me or write to me and let me know everything is okay and you’d like to meet up next week for a brew and a natter.

Mental well being IS as important as physical.

***** Take Care! Vic

via Point To Ponder — Just Plain Ol’ Vic

Corporation T-Shirt Stupid Bloody Tuesday

For those who are maybe not familiar with my interim posts having lyrical titles this one is from a 1967 song featured in the Paul McCartney film “Magical Mystery Tour” and was mainly written by his good friend John Lennon although he did share the credit and royalties. The reason for this is two fold: First – I recently published on here Chapter 4 (1967) of my life history and Thirdly I have been thinking about two of my heroes who I would have liked to see live but never will as they are both dead.

I was originally going to name this post “Sitting on a corn flake” but thought that may have been missed by the majority. Anyway, to stop mithering and get to the point of this post (yes this one does have a point) I wanted to say that things were looking good for me until yesterday (Monday 1 May 2017). I was applying for jobs and getting a few interviews (sadly none developed into firm job offers but hey at least I was getting experience of interviews again).

Last Thursday was my birthday and I signed into my emails full of hope and expectation but every job that took my interest had already been applied for, then I got 4 rejections one after the other from 4 different companies within the same minute of the morning. As you can imagine one was bad enough, 2 I may have coped with but 4? Anyhoo I flipped and went spiralling off into the black hole that encumbers me from time to time (happily not so much now as it used to). I went out for a walk after posting on my dole page that I had received 4 rejections so would not be doing any further job searches that day.

When I came back to the flat I decided I was going to have another look at the job sites I’m registered with and there I found another 4 jobs to apply for to counter the 4 rejections. I didn’t sign into my emails and, therefore, missed a 5th job. I decided to keep going and not give in to the darkness this time. The walk definitely helped to clear my head and give me something positive to look forward to.

After this I was feeling more positive and looked on Friday, Saturday and Sunday but nothing came up that I hadn’t already applied for. Yesterday morning I found another 3 positions to try for and this time I’m not expecting anything positive like an interview to come out of them but you never know, do you? Today was also the first time I opened my emails since Thursday hence that job opportunity I missed, but you can’t have everything can you? Everything happens for a reason and I’m sure life is trying to kick me in the teeth while I’m down (as it always does to me).

In order to cheer myself up (and also because it was my birthday not so very long ago) I decided to treat myself to a turntable so I could take it up to my brother next time I visit but didn’t see one I liked (I did see a few which would convert the tracks into mp3 files so he could have sent them to me via email). The vinyl albums he has turned up a few years ago when my dad was having a clear out (before he became too ill to move around up stairs – or even make it upstairs). They were albums I bought before getting married for the first time so are things like Bob Dylan, Deep Purple, Led Zeppelin, James Taylor and The Beatles (another link to the title).

I think I managed to replace them all on cassette and cd anyway so I’m not desperate for them but it would have been good to hear them again after all these years. Especially on vinyl.

Anyway, back to the original point I was trying to make to everyone following me who occasionally feels the same as I do (depressed to the point of suicide) to let them know that if they take some time out to exercise (even just going out for a walk around the block or, as I did, further afield) can help to lighten the mood and leave you feeling a little more positive. What works for one may not work for everyone but give it a try and see if it will work for you. After all what have you got to lose?

They say it’s my birthday

Well, I had an unexpected turn of events yesterday. Allow me to start at the beginning and then bring you up to speed with what occurred…

I received a phone call from my estranged wife asking me if I wanted to meet her after work and go out for a meal for my birthday. I said ok that sounded good to me so I jumped in the shower and dressed before settling down to watch the Ding Junhui v Ronnie O’Sullivan snooker match. After this finished I quickly tidied up and left to go and meet up.

We went into Newcastle as she had an eye test booked in for 17:45 and then we went to do a little shopping before heading to the restaurants in Eldon Square for TGI Friday’s. We were seated quickly and spent time choosing our meals from the menu, several people were shown past us to tables and one person was shown to the table next to ours. A waiter came straight over to this person and took his drink order while we were still waiting to give our order. When his drink arrived and the waiter still ignored us we decided to leave and go elsewhere to eat.

On the way to Fridays I mentioned Bella Italia as we walked past but my wife said she wasn’t in the mood for Italian, anyway we couldn’t agree on anywhere so I said it was a nice thought, but I’d head home and see what was in the cupboard. That’s when we decided to try Bella Italia so we went and looked at the menu before going to the door. When we arrived we were quickly shown to a table and the waiter came over and took our drinks orders straight away. When he came back with the drinks we had already decided what we were having as starter and main so ordered these.

Within 15 minutes our starter arrived (caramelised red onion garlic pizza bread) and that was absolutely delicious. Our mains arrived shortly after the starter was cleared and I ordered another drink. At this point we became aware that although the restaurant was beginning to fill up there was only our waiter and the female Maitre D’ working the floor. Because of this I decided that no matter how long the drink took it would be fine, the waiter walked past our table on his way to the gelato by the door with a young girl and said he hadn’t forgotten the drink but he was really busy so it would be another few minutes would that be okay?

Little touches like that to let you know you’re not being forgotten or ignored make all the difference between good customer service and great customer service. Anyway, the drink came and we were still ploughing our way through the mains. When the waiter came to clear the table again he asked if we would like to see the dessert menu or just have coffees? We asked for the dessert menu and looked it over, there was a lot on there that I wanted to try but was too stuffed so I opted for alcoholic lemon ice cream, which was absolutely gorgeous and so light it went down in no time flat.

When the bill arrived we fought over who was paying and I paid but she tipped the waiter, from a disaster in one restaurant we ended up having a totally fantastic meal out and I for one will definitely be returning to Bella Italia again in the not too distant future to repeat the enjoyment. If you live anywhere near Newcastle upon Tyne then Bella Italia comes highly recommended by me and it’s located in the food area of Eldon Square upstairs, almost next door to Fridays.

Me & My Shadow

Elton John has been seriously ill but seems to be over the worst of it (apparently he’s out of danger and grateful for all the goodwill messages he has been sent via twitter). Yet he remembers a time when it was a criminal offence to be gay (even I remember those horrible dark days). This, my dear reader is in praise of the enlightened times we live in today.

When it was decriminalised in the year 1967 (Sgt. Pepper, Satanic Majesties, Are You Experienced) we knew that it was the beginning of an age of Aquarius. A time when all men would be accepted as equals, regardless of sexual preference, wouldn’t it? Unfortunately not then, that has only come at the beginning of the New Millennium. We still need to see women as equals, and treat them accordingly.

I’m not saying I don’t find women attractive or see some of them as prospective sexual partners, that would be a lie and no-one would believe me anyway, especially if they know my past. I try not to view women as sex objects but as equals, I would like to get to know any prospective partner well before trying to get her (or him) into bed with me. I have always been colour blind, and could never understand why some countries had to treat people differently based purely on skin colour.

Yes, I’m white but I feel as much at home with black, yellow, brown, blue or even purple people, why? Because I see them as people, equals, better than me more often than not. But I digress, women need our support to become everything they can be, after all men are now accepted everywhere regardless of skin colour or sexual preference so why can’t women be treated the same? Don’t tell me that it’s because they take time off work to raise a family as most women these days will take a few months off work and then return to the work place working as hard as, if not harder than, the men doing the same job. Women are becoming stronger but are still paid less for doing similar work, this isn’t fair and the time for change is upon us today my friends. After all we did it from 1967-1999 for men so now we have to do it for women, especially as they are no longer being treated differently for the State Pension in the UK. (From 2018 women and men will have the same retirement age and this will change upwards from then on.)

Women working in factories alongside men do the same work for less pay, yet the minimum wage isn’t set to different amounts depending on your sex, it varies according to age until you reach 21 then it’s fixed at £7.50 regardless of sex. Why can’t we see this being progressed upwards to every women working alongside men? There is no difference to the work they do, they all put in the same effort and hours. Because there has been a snap election called for June this should give us a chance to speak out against injustice wherever we find it. Tactical voting won’t make any difference unless we use it to protect our society and that has to be all inclusive. Women deserve better treatment than we have, so far in our history, afforded them. Equal pay for equal work is a small price to pay and will take women out of slavery once and for all.

How to (try to) control your anxiety 

Some interesting tips for coping with a panic attack. I couldn’t have said it better. Please leave comments on the original post and support the author by letting her know you enjoy it, thank you.

At first you don’t even realise what is wrong with you. Overcome with a cold shudder, accompanied by fluttering palpitations, palms sweaty and confusion. Utter confusion. You can’t move. But hold on, 5 minutes ago you were fine? But now, now you can’t move. You can’t get up. There is a heavy invisible burden upon you. If you do attempt to get up, what if you fall? What if everyone around you bursts out laughing at you falling?

Silly silly silly intruding thoughts enter your mind at this point and you wonder if it will ever stop. Until you get up, walk for a bit and realise you will be ok. That was it. Your first panic attack.

The problem is, sometimes we don’t realise we are having one – or worse still we don’t know why they happen. I am referring specifically to panic disorder, whereby sufferers will have…

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Still no air

Well, another interview last Friday, another disappointment. Not sure how many more of these I can take, not feeling bad but it’s very disappointing when you apply and get rejected without an interview but it’s even more disheartening when you go for an interview and then get rejected, you feel like you wasted everyone’s time.

Still, I can go on for a little while yet I guess. I just wish that someone would want to take a chance with me as I have a lot to give. I’m not ready for the knackers yard yet but it seems as though everyone wants me to just drop out of sight and disappear. Then again, I’ve never been one to do what others expect or want me to do.

As far as I’m concerned I will never take the easy option just because it is expected. I will do things my own sweet way and damn the torpedoes. If anyone knows where this will lead then please drop me a line on the back of an undressed elephant to the usual address.

Thank you for reading, my dear friends and rest assured, I’m not ready to hang up my life, no-one can bring me down when I have so many people wanting me to go from strength to strength. I will keep going and who knows what will come of my down time? I may even manage to finish a book and get it published :).