And when my mind is wandering there I will go
A lot of things have been worrying me over the past few weeks, some I have told you about on here, dear reader, some I have kept bottled up. Bottling things has always been a dangerous occupation for me as it leads me down into the dark recesses of my vivid imagination. The place where I am always put down and made to feel alone, unloved, unwanted and unworthy of anyone’s time and effort.
I started heading down the path that leads to my own personal hell where my inner thoughts are of death (my own), vengeance against those who have wronged me (only in my head, they may not have intentionally done anything to me). I hate going down this road because things start getting on top of me and I feel dirty, worthless and close to taking my own life. I have tried suicide 4 times in my life so far but thought about it more than that.
I am once again sinking into the abyss and this post is really aimed at all my dear friends on here to let you know that, if I do go quiet again, it’s me not you. I desperately need to feel that I can see light at the end of the tunnel and there is a purpose for me to go on. I am not sure what that purpose is since most of my life people have told me that I am useless and will never amount to anything. Seems that everytime I try to drag myself away from my demons the voice of my dad is there telling me to just give up and die because no one needs me, wants me or loves me.
While my mum was alive she could pick me up out of the darkness if I approached her, she understood what I was going through because she also had dark periods in her life and she knew how deep my father was hurting me. Now she has gone and I have no one I can turn to, my current wife also has dark periods when she needs me to be strong and help her through them and out the other side. She always takes and never gives, though so when I have helped her and feel myself slipping into my abyss she doesn’t want to know or help.
My dad is still alive but I only travel to see him once a year and that is a chore, he fails to see or understand that when visiting my mum (before she died) or my most recent mother in law (before she died) it was not out of obligation it was out of love. I visit him out of obligation as, believe me, I would rather not have any contact with him ever again. He has left me broken and dangerous with his put downs and his refusal to acknowledge I could do something worthwhile with my life. Seems like every time I start to have a little bit of something good I hear his voice in my head and I sabotage it. I have done this so often now that neither of my children want to know me, I have been married 4 times and divorced 3. I don’t intend to get another divorce but the current Mrs seems to be hell bent on destroying what remains of my self belief.
I find myself thinking a lot of what I had with my mum, various mother-in-laws (maybe not the first one but certainly the second and fourth). I lost more than I have ever gained in my life and without the feeling of inadequacy, guilt whenever something good comes along and the feeling that I am worthless instilled by my dad maybe my path would have been a lot different.
This post has been a struggle to get this far so I will leave you with the song inspiring this title, courtesy of Universal Music and YouTube here are the Beatles from Sgt Pepper.